In 1982, 17 bereaved people met at a Reflections gathering with Rae Westcott, a Hospice counselor. This was a monthly event, but as time went on people wanted to meet in a more social setting. Some of the women arranged for the group to meet in various homes.

In 1983, Ralph and Isabel were the first couple in the group to marry. Three other marriages followed in short order. This left but nine of the original members, and the weekly gatherings soon ceased. For a time the married folks attempted to keep in touch, but as time went by, people gradually drifted apart.

Rae Westcott continued with monthly meetings called Reflections. In late 1988, several members from the first four walking groups approached Rae about meeting more as a social group. As usual, in these situations, there always seems to be one person who leads. The group remembers, with affection, the determination of Lois Ryder.

A meeting place was found in the Memorial Pavilion, close to Hospice on the Jubilee Hospital grounds. The first gathering took place in December, 1988 with about 20 people. Games were played, and folks were invited to sign up for various activities. I can remember Rae being a bit surprised that not one person signed up for skiing. I signed up for bridge, and here I am, 16 years later, still playing with the same people.

This was the start of the present Bereavement Self-Help Social Group, sometimes known as the Saturday Night Drop-In. The goals of the group are to accomplish the following objectives:
• create a social setting for bereaved people
• act as an ice breaker for folks ready to meet new friends
• foster a feeling of understanding
• provide a safe and comfortable place, emotionally
• support Victoria Hospice’ aims and objectives

Bereaved folks are invited by Hospice counselors, at their discretion, to join the group at varying times. There are no hard and fast rules; readiness is considered, individually. It wasn’t long before members launched many more activities:
• Tuesday and Thursday night bridge games
• Friday night dining out at various restaurants around town
• pot-luck dinners on the first Friday of the month
• a bowling group each Friday
• a barbecue in August
• a picnic in July
• now and then, an out-of-town brunch
• travel planning
• Saturday Night Social Night

These activities require the effort of many a hard working member. For instance, one person phones about 80 people regarding Friday night dinners. We have been blessed with many such people; most were in attendance at that very first meeting. This group has no formal structure, no elected officials, and no written-in-stone rules.

It’s also clear that this group owes a good deal to Victoria Hospice, and more particularly, to the Bereavement Office, not only for its support, but also for the trust given to the core group. We are very fortunate to have about 12 of the original members still very active.

Folks who join in the activities usually come from walking groups or are referred directly by bereavement counselors. We do our best to make new members welcome. Little things are very helpful. We meet folks at the door and accompany them into the gathering. Usually, the evening begins with small talk, introduction of new members, and a few games. The bridge players are soon hard at it, and the crib players follow suit. Others enjoy some of the silliest card games ever heard of. Some people just sit and chat.

There are no questions, and there is no prying. Folks just share the feeling that they are amongst friends who share a common experience and who understand their mutual circumstances.

Now and then, new members let us know, by word or attitude, that it would be best if they saw a Hospice counselor. One of the core members will advise the counselors accordingly, by phone, on the following Monday morning.

I’m constantly amazed that every person in our group understands the importance of not giving advice. However, social group members are just wonderful at listening, understanding, and assuring newcomers that they are in a safe place. We all have stories to tell, and everyone recognizes that it is a good thing to do so.
People attending Saturday Night Social Drop-In contribute a toonie towards incidental expenses; the credit balance of about $1200 a year is given to Hospice for use in the Bereavement Office. Funds collected at the monthly potluck dinners are kept in a bank account controlled by members of the group. The money is used to pay for part of the annual barbecue and for supplies used in various activities. Three of the core members have signing authority for this bank account. The balance is usually around $300.

Problems arise from time to time, and we do our best to deal with them as soon as possible.
• Rides: A number of people do not drive, and others have difficulty driving at night. While we offer to assist a new member to attend for the first time, we are careful not to make this offer of transportation an ongoing obligation. Usually, if folks are able to get to a gathering, a ride home can be easily arranged.
• Personal Agendas: Few people have been mistaken about our purpose, but it is wise to listen for underlying motives. One distraught man stood in the doorway and announced, to one and all, that he had come for a new wife. His unfortunate remark was greeted with deafening silence. Usually, all it takes is for one of the core group to take the person aside and to go over the aims and objectives in a gentle and understanding manner. If the problem persists, then the matter is referred to the Bereavement Office.
• Now and then, a person with no previous association with Hospice will want to join the group. The rule is clear. All who wish to join must first seek an interview with a counselor in the Bereavement Office. Sometimes, these situations can cause hard feelings, but our responsibility to Hospice is foremost.

Long-term members are continually amazed at the wonderful friendships that have developed over the years. People travel a great deal, sometimes in quite large groups. Some bridge games are well into their 14th year. Amongst the almost 1200 members since 1988, there have been surprisingly few marriages. Quite a few men have told me how happy they are to have discovered how great it is to have women as just good friends. I have heard similar comments from many women.

Of  the two attempts to establish a Bereavement Self-Help Social Group, first in 1982 and then again in 1988, the latter attempt has been far more successful. There are some clear factors in the success of the second attempt.

The first group was a small one. It did not enjoy a close and continuing association with the Bereavement Counselors. Most importantly, the group did not have any established way of attracting new members.

In the 1988 instance, on the other hand, folks have maintained close liaison with the Bereavement Office, they entice new members on a monthly basis, and they keep in touch via a newsletter published by the group. Most of all, there is a dedicated core group of volunteers which has been active ever since 1988.
Moira Cairns, a counselor at Victoria Hospice, wrote a piece for our newsletter that nicely pinpoints the intent of the social group.

The Saturday Night Drop-In idea grew out of a gap identified by people who had been a part of the Hospice Bereavement program. These folks had been involved in various aspects of our ongoing support services but found these were no longer meeting their needs. They were ready to start moving back into the community and to have a social life but were finding it difficult to do so. In a society that caters to couples, it is hard to be a single person again. Our hope for the Saturday Night Social was that it would help people reconnect socially without the pressures placed on them by non-bereaved people. We still see the social night as a place for those first tentative steps with the support of those who have been in the same situation. It’s important to remember that people reach this point in their lives at different times and in different ways; it doesn’t help to rush this process.

It has never been our expectation that the drop-in and its activities become the only social life of the people who become involved. We realize that there will be a time when the individual is ready to move on with life, and it is our hope that the support received through the Saturday night drop-in helps them to do that.
The Bereavement Self-Help Social Group places no obligation on its members. The core group is there every Saturday night to welcome those who attend. Some members attend on a regular basis, some show up now and then, and some find that the group is not right for them. Surprisingly, people that have not been there for years will some- times drop by just to catch up and visit with friends.

Every so often, something happens at the Saturday night social that illuminates the value of this unique group. One evening, I was sitting by myself when a man walked in and sat down beside me. We had known each other for a couple of years but were never close friends. I was glad to have somebody to talk to, and I asked him if I could get him a cup of coffee. At first, it seemed clear that my acquaintance was not in a talkative mood, so we just sat and sipped our coffees.

I don’t know what prompted the sudden turn of events, but my coffee pal began to talk. He stared straight ahead, never once turning his head or looking my way. He recounted his entire life story: his wife, their life together, the ups and downs through the years, the lives of his children, where they are now, and stories of the grandchildren.

This man talked for about an hour. I know all about him, the pain of his bereavement, his love for his wife, and his worries about the future.
Eventually, he paused and told me that the social group had saved his sanity. He hadn’t expected that he would ever meet anyone who could understand how he felt. I owe all of these people my life.

He relaxed, finished his cold cup of coffee, said it was time for him to go home, and left. We have met many times since, but we have not mentioned that special time again.

I have thought about that evening often. It illustrates the value of simply listening. We all have stories to tell, but people have to be able to tell them in their own good time.