My wife and I are long time volunteers at Victoria Hospice, I since 1988 and Claire since 1990. We have been active in many areas at Hospice but particularly in the bereavement area.

Our spouses died in the care of Hospice and we acknowledge we are bereaved people. We are thankful for the help given to our loved ones. For some time we have felt while there is much help available, the stories of the bereaved has been neglected.

The site is about how the bereaved help themselves by sharing their stories. Our experience in many years as volunteers in the Walking Groups and the bereavement Self Help Social Group has led us to recognize the following:

• Bereaved people are best helped by bereaved people.
• Bereavement starts the day a loved one is recognized as being terminally ill and ends with the death of the bereaved.
• Folks need a safe place emotionally where they can tell their story without fear, interruption or judgement.
• Some people need permission to make a new commitment and such permission is more meaningful if given by a bereaved person.
• We understand and respect that grief is extremely personal and is unique to the bereaved person.
• Bereavement is not tied to any time frame nor does it fit into ant preconceived notion of structured behaviour patterns.
• We all need to love and be loved and when our bereaved Friends have a new loving relationship, we rejoice.

Simon Weil says it best:

“Those that are unhappy have no need for
anything in this world but people capable of
giving them their attention.
The capacity to give one’s attention to a sufferer
is a rare and difficult thing.
It is almost a miracle; it is a miracle.”

Shared Knowledge Dealing with Bereavement begins with one voice, one story. It's a story about personal loss. This is a story that supports the bereft in the light of what is in essence, a solitary, perplexing, disturbing and a life altering reality.

John Tomczak’s volunteer experience with Victoria Hospice informs his insight into the complexities of bereavement. His narrative thread twines the stories and voices of countless numbers of bereaved people with whom he has come into contact since 1988.

Shared Knowledge Dealing with Bereavement traces the highly personal, distinctly and immensely practical implications of bereavement. John’s story is a reflection on shared knowledge which might assist bereaved persons in their respective journeys through a landscape of deep and abiding loss. Janey M Smith Quetzel.ink Studios.

For more information and to order your copy, please visit: www.bereavementbook.net

Article Credit: Vic News

Death can be beautiful. Collette Tomczak’s death was quiet and peaceful, as she lay in the arms of her husband and partner of 45 years, John. In the couple’s bedroom their five children stood silently with their spouses. Collette knew they were all there, knew she was loved.
The night before her parting, John, Collette and their son, Kim shared a midnight cocktail, carefully served to Collette through an eye dropper. By noon the next day, the family gathered to say a final goodbye. John knew it was time – they all did.

“The greatest gift Collette ever gave me was when she said she didn’t mind dying,” John says.

And so Collette’s journey ended peacefully and with dignity.

John Holme’s death was much the same. He and his wife of 14 years, Claire, moved to Victoria from Ottawa knowing that his time was limited. Cancer which started in John’s liver, was crippling his body. Regardless, the couple had long planned to retire in the Victoria and not even death could stop them.

“We shared the most meaningful time of our life together  throughout that period,” Claire says. “It was absolutely marvellous.”

They spent a final Christmas together – a neighbour brought over turkey and all the trimmings as Claire was busy looking after John. A few days before his death, John asked that Claire’s brother, Aurele come out from Montreal. The end was near and John didn’t want Claire to be alone when he was gone. Like Collette Tomczak, John Holmes died at peace with his loved ones by his side.

Their surviving spouses agree the involvement of Vitoria Hospice helped make both deaths beautiful, allowing both partners to die at home in comfortable and familiar surroundings. The non-profit organizations also served an important relief role for the caregivers.
“One day I realized I was at the end of my rope,” John recalls. “So I walked up to Victoria Hospice and asked for help.”

Not only was Hospice’s role in preparing the families for death invaluable, the after-care support brought the families closer together and allowed them to move forwards with fond and grateful memories. Collette died in 1987 and John in 1989. After all these years one of John’s grandchildren will ask about the nice counsellor who came to the house to answer any questions about Collette’s death. Nothing was left hidden or unsaid.

The Hospice experience later led John and Claire to each other. “We met at a skating rink and started to talk,” Claire says. “We talked about Hospice and we felt so connected that I thought maybe we could have lunch one day.” The two met one year after Claire’s husband died and four years after Collette’s death. Ten months later they were married.
Both volunteer at Victoria Hospice in the bereavement area with the Walking Groups and the Bereavement Self Help Social Group. It’s amazing the connection folks make in these two groups talking about issues around losing a loved one,” says John.

Since 1980, Victoria Hospice has provided physical, emotional, and spiritual care to patients and their families.
Please visit www.victoriahospice.org